Domestic violence and abusive relationships
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Table of Contents
Love is supposed to feel safe. But sometimes, what begins with affection mutates into control. What starts with promises ends in fear. Domestic violence isn’t always a punch. It can be silent. It can be rules. It can be the slow erasure of your voice until you forget how you used to speak.
This is what makes abusive relationships so complicated. They don’t always look like violence. They look like they're walking on eggshells. They look like love, packaged with power. And too often, they come with shame, a feeling that you should have seen the red flags sooner, that you should have left earlier, that maybe, somehow, it’s your fault. It never is.
The truth is that domestic abuse is rarely evident in the beginning. It builds quietly, feeding on fear and confusion, disguised as intensity, loyalty, and protection. It can take months or years before someone names what’s happening to them. But once you name it, you take its power away.
Understanding Domestic Violence and Abuse
Domestic violence refers to patterns of abusive behaviours used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another in an intimate relationship. It can happen to anyone regardless of gender, age, sexuality, or social background.
Abuse isn’t always physical. Often, it’s emotional, psychological, financial, or sexual. It can be threats, manipulation, surveillance, humiliation, or restriction of movement. At its core, domestic abuse is about power. It’s about control. It’s about making the victim small enough to stay.
The Subtle Forms of Abuse People Often Miss
Many survivors don't realise they are being abused until the damage is already deep. That's because abusive relationships often begin with manipulation, not violence. Here are some subtle forms that are easy to overlook:
1. Emotional Blackmail
Your partner uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control your decisions. You are constantly made to feel responsible for their moods or actions. You don't comply because you fear what they might do or say.
2. Coercive Control
This is about regulating your autonomy. It might involve telling you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, and how to spend your money. It's a psychological prison built without walls.
3. Economic Abuse
Your access to money is monitored or restricted. You are denied the ability to work or manipulated into handing over your earnings. This form of abuse makes escape nearly impossible for many.
4. Psychological Manipulation
Gaslighting is a classic tactic. You're told that your memories are wrong. You're too sensitive. You're crazy. Over time, you lose trust in your mind.
5. Trauma Bonding
The highs and lows of the relationship create powerful emotional glue. Even when your partner hurts you, the moments of affection or apology feel euphoric, keeping you hooked.
The Power and Control Wheel
The power and control wheel is a framework used to understand the tactics abusers use. It includes intimidation, isolation, minimising or denying the abuse, using children as pawns, enforcing rigid gender roles, and threats. This wheel keeps the victim spinning in confusion, always trying to guess what comes next.
The Cycle of Violence
Abuse often follows a predictable pattern:
- Tension building: The abuser becomes irritable, controlling, or critical. The victim walks on eggshells.
- Incident: The explosion — whether physical, verbal, or emotional.
- Reconciliation: Apologies, gifts, tears, declarations of love. It feels like things will get better.
- Calm: The honeymoon phase. The abuse is downplayed. Life feels peaceful again.
Then it starts again. This is the cycle of violence, and recognising it is the first step toward breaking it.
Battered Woman Syndrome
A subset of post-traumatic stress disorder, battered woman syndrome describes the psychological effects of prolonged abuse. Victims often feel helpless, ashamed, and trapped. They may begin to believe they deserve the abuse or that leaving is impossible. This isn’t weakness, it’s survival.
Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?
Because leaving is rarely simple. People stay for many reasons:
- Fear of retaliation
- Lack of financial independence
- Emotional dependence or trauma bonding
- Cultural or religious stigma
- Children and custody concerns
- Hope that things will change
It’s not that they don’t want to leave. It’s that leaving feels more dangerous than staying. Safety planning, support networks, and access to resources are vital.
Therapy and Support for Survivors
Healing from domestic violence is not linear. It often involves working with a therapist trained in emotional abuse therapy or trauma recovery. Therapy helps untangle internalised shame, rebuild self-trust, and process fear and grief.
Group therapy, trauma-informed yoga, expressive arts, and body-based therapies can also support recovery. But most of all, survivors need to know that what happened to them was not their fault and that healing is not just possible, it is their right.
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FAQs
How does domestic violence affect relationships?
It breaks the foundation of trust, safety, and respect. Survivors often struggle with intimacy, self-worth, and emotional regulation even after leaving the relationship. Long-term effects include anxiety, depression, PTSD, and difficulty forming new relationships.
What is the definition of domestic violence and abuse?
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviour in a relationship that can include physical, emotional, psychological, economic, and sexual abuse. It is used to exert power over a partner.
What is the difference between violence and abuse?
Violence typically refers to physical harm. Abuse is broader and includes emotional, financial, verbal, and psychological harm. All violence is abuse, but not all abuse involves violence.
What are the 11 questions for domestic violence?
These questions are often part of screening tools that therapists and medical professionals use. They assess fear, control, isolation, intimidation, threats, and physical or sexual harm in relationships.
Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
Survivors may stay due to fear, financial dependence, lack of support, trauma bonding, societal stigma, or concern for children. Leaving often requires a support plan and access to safe resources.
What is the leading cause of domestic violence?
The root cause is the abuser’s desire for power and control. Contributing factors include unresolved trauma, learned behaviour, societal norms, and lack of accountability.
How Can Samarpan Help?
At Samarpan Recovery Centre, we provide a safe, confidential, and trauma-informed environment for individuals healing from domestic violence and abusive relationships. Recognising that such experiences can lead to long-term depression symptoms, anxiety symptoms, personality disorders, and even substance addiction as a coping mechanism, our specialised team offers comprehensive support grounded in mental health awareness. As a trusted trauma centre, we focus on rebuilding emotional safety through therapeutic modalities like CBT, DBT, and trauma-focused care, helping survivors process their trauma, restore their sense of self-worth, and recover from depressive episodes or complex emotional struggles. Our individualised care plans address the nuanced psychological impacts of abuse while fostering empowerment, boundary-setting, and long-term resilience. Whether you’re just leaving an abusive relationship or still navigating its aftereffects, Samarpan stands as a healing space to rediscover your strength and reclaim your life.